I went home to DC for Thanksgiving. After having a very nice dinner with 14 members or my family I met up with my ex-girlfriend Abby. We broke up in like 2001 and I haven’t been in a real relationship since. She is pretty much the only person I have ever loved… maybe. I am not sure. I’ve told two other people I loved them, but it wasn’t the same as with Abby. Anyway, I had not seen her in a really long time. We went to the Black Cat in DC and ran into one of her friends who was with this girl who may or may not have stolen my wallet in 2001. She said she didn’t, but she also called me a sleaze bag so who knows. Actually I am sure she didn’t actually steal it and I am pretty sure I don’t care anymore. She had a friend with her who lives in NYC and we have a lot of mutual friends. She had no idea what my site was though. Hmm…

Then they convinced me to go to some Goth night which I thought would be something good to photograph, but I was very wrong. It was dead and boring, but I talked to this nightlife photographer who had been taking photos at goth parties for at least a decade. I was pretty annoyed with the whole thing, but Abby made it up to me. When I was in high school I had 5 sexual goals. I don’t remember three of them, but I am sure they were pretty tame. I know one of them was having a three some. Anyway I had done them all except one. That was to spend the night with someone in the Americana Motel/Hotel. One of their signs says Motel, one says Hotel, and it is actually both. Half the rooms are inside and half are outside. It is a very weird pace. It had all these listings for churches and looks like something out of a horror movie. It is so creepy. They even carry the Washington Times. Anyway, Abby paid for a room for us. It was sweet. I stayed up watching horrible TV while she slept and it was freezing and then I took her to McDonald’s for McGriddles in the morning. So romantic. Anyway. That is that. Look at the photos I guess.

Everything is broken.  I broke a lens on Wednesday.  I now don’t have a zoom lens wider than 28mm.  I normally shoot at around 24mm so that is going to change things up a bit.  If I was working, I could buy a new lens, but alas I am still jobless and making just less than I need to to survive.  If anyone has any ideas of how I can make like $200 dollars a week, let me know.  I broke my computer yesterday.  My friend Max said he would fix it tomorrow, but for the moment I can’t turn it on.  I am on my old one, but I can’t update my photo galleries on this one.  And it is sort of messing up my internet productivity.  And I am broken.  I was so tired yesterday I fell asleep during a movie for the FIRST time in my entire life.  I have NEVER done that.  I fell asleep during an adaptation these little kids did of Raiders Of The Lost Ark.  From what I saw it was amazing.  It was made from 1982-1988 or something.  They age during the film and everything.  There version was so close to the original it is sort of mind blowing.  I wish I could have stayed up.  Shortly after that I ate a gyro with way too much hot sauce and I had nothing to drink.  I just kept eating it faster and faster but I got to Houston and Essex and my mouth was on fire.  I thought the best solution would be to go to McDonald’s and get a milkshake.  I practically ran to Delancy St. and when I got there there were probably 10 employees working but no one was getting served.  Everyone was doing something else.  Eventually the manager, who was training someone, took the guys order in front of me and spent 10 minutes teaching this guy how to make a fucking McFlurry.  If anyone has ever been to the Delancy and Essex McDonald’s after 10 PM you know what kind of morons are working there.  I never should have ventured in, but I figured at 10:30PM it wasn’t late enough for them to stop doing anything and start hanging out.  But they had already closed off the back and people had started partying back there per normal late shift. The worst part is, I don’t even like McDonald’s, I just thought it would fix my burnt tongue.  Of course by the time I got my milkshake my mouth had cooled off.  Fucking bastards.  Although, that McDonald’s is my favorite after hours spot just so I can watch people get as pissed off as I was, only at 4AM they are way drunker and way funnier.

I know this rant is entirely pointless and far too long, but I do have one more thing on my mind.  That is this writers strike.  This thing is already fucking up my life in unexpected ways that I will not even get into now.  What I will get into is how scary it will be if they just start cranking out more reality television.  They could make some intelligent shows like Erol Morris’ short lived First Person, but I am sure it will just be more game shows and more spin offs of the Surreal Life.  I can’t wait until every channel is as exciting as VH1.  In reality show history nothing good has ever come from any of it with the obvious exception of that crazy lady who screamed about demons on Trading Spouses.  That was brilliant.  Otherwise, it is all bullshit.  If it weren’t for the last writers strike we wouldn’t have had all this crap and I probably wouldn’t know who Paris Hilton is, I would like Public Enemy and I would have had to think about which I would rather do: eat pig intestines or listen to Joe Rogan talk.

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=iCh2FXzD6R4[/youtube]

Update: I want to apologize for my misjudgment in posting this while I was on sleeping pills.  I probably should not have put this up or ever mentioned anything about it… but since I have gotten so much shit for it already, I might as well leave it up.  I still contend that this article is very funny.

I have a big penis. There. I said it. Maybe it is because I just took a bunch of sleeping pills or maybe it is because I got another painful blow job tonight. All because of this big penis. The girl who is over here next to me apologized for the teeth so I showed her this old article I wrote for a site called stileproject.com (NSFW). Stile Project was an old e/n website. If you don’t know what e/n stands for don’t worry, I am too fucked up on sleeping pills to tell you. Currently it is just a porn site. He hired me to write a bunch of articles. A few of them are funny, a few of them are embarrassing. I might share some others with you, but for now just this one. Don’t make fun of me too much; I wrote it 6 years ago. I actually got paid to write for a while, and not everyone can say that, despite the low quality of this shit. PS. It was not copy edited.

How does one go about bitching about how big their penis is? That’s like bitching about how they get too much sex. Right? Wrong. Having a big penis sucks. But Igor, you ask, ‘How could this be? I’ve been 4 inches all my life and all I have wished for was a big penis.’ No you don’t, you want an average penis. You are dwarf like, that would suck a lot, but big is not the way to go. You see, 5 or 6 inches is perfect. No one will laugh at you and no one will cry when you try to have sex with them. Its the best. I just want you to understand my point before I go in to it. If I had a penis around 3 inches, I would be crushed. It would be much worse than being big. HOWEVER, having a big penis is not the great thing it should be….

(Read the article)

My golden mullet has finally bit the dust.  Thanks to my friend Thomas I have a new free hair cut.  I managed to tip him just the right amount of money that both offended him and made it the most expensive hair cut of my life.  Sweet.  Also while at the salon in Williamsburg I witnessed something that pretty much defines Williamsburg to me.  This scruffy bearded bike messenger type paid over 60 dollars to get a hair cut that made him look like a wandering hobo.  He spent so much fucking money trying to look like he didn’t spend any money on his hair and that he does not care about grooming.  It is amazing.  I can’t imagine how many pedicab rides he had to give to pay for his stylish rats nest of a hair cut.

200 Orchard has become one of my favorite bars in the city.  High Voltage got so much better when it moved there and I have had a lot of fun at this bar on off nights as well.  They also have bands there for free which is really amazing too.  So yeah, here is a message from them… read it and then sign the petition.

On Wednesday 17th of October the New York State Liquor Authority denied the application to transfer the liquor license from the old Orchard bar to 200 Orchard on the grounds that it was not in the best interests of the community. This is not an application for a new license, just a basic transfer of an existing license that has been in effect for the last 12 years. We have been open since Feb 2007, under a temp license issued by the SLA and in those 8 months we have not had one 311 complaint, no noise complaints, and have not had any fights in the bar. We have been actively supporting all of the arts in the community. A community that is being robbed of its identity by huge corporations. We ask you to sign this petition, which will be presented to the SLA, not only to support our bar but to support the survival of the Lower East Side as we know and love it.
Thanks
All at 200 Orchard

I blame the fact that no one in this city is going to be sober for the next week on last night being dead. So my night started out simply enough. My friend Minka came over and helped me bleach my hair. The goal was dirty blond for my MacGyver costume, but of course it just turned orange. I used the conditioner the dye came with and it made my hair really fluffy. I pretty much look like a baby chicken. I am probably going to dye it brown or something tomorrow, but I am going to go out with the orange again tonight. So last night I started off at Unstoppable Perfect at Happy Endings which is normally a lot of fun, but it was dead. I had plans to meet some people there but one of them lost their ID and just went to Brooklyn. I left and went to Lit but it was pretty lame there too. I was there for about 10 min, just long enough for everyone to make fun of my hair. Machine Sex told me she liked it, but then again, her name is Machine Sex so I am not sure how seriously I can take that complement. Nico told me he liked it, but I called him out on that and he agreed with me that it looks horrible. Then I went to Beauty Bar for their 12th Anniversary which I felt would be packed, but again it was dead. I had fun there though, I talked to a bunch of people. Nikki Sneakers was glad to hear that my hair was a “goof”. Then she told me I didn’t know shit about horror films because I didn’t know who she was being for Halloween, which sort of hurt because I am sort of a film nerd and fucked up cinema is a passion of mine. Oh well. Anyway, I wanted to see a bunch of people last night and I didn’t see any of them or do anything really fun and I didn’t take any photos so it was pretty much a big waste of time.

I will be at Revolver tonight from 12-2:30 and at Trash from 2:30 – whenever….

CHICAGO—In what is being called the first conceptual terrorist attack on American soil, the landmark Sears Tower was encased in 18 million tons of strawberry gelatin early Tuesday morning, leaving thousands shocked, angry, and seriously confused.

This is no laughing matter.  These conceptual terrorists have gone too far.  This is an outrage.  We need to take to the art schools with torches.  Someone has to pay for this.  It is time to bomb the Lower East Side and most of San Fransisco.   Bush should not rest until Christo has been brought to justice.  His umbrellas have already killed.  We must find the weapons of mass confusion.  WAKE UP AMERICA.  Our freedom has a price.  We need to cut funding in arts programs to pay for military strikes against… well… art programs.  We have reached a cyan alert people! CYAN!

I hope you read all of this.

I had a pretty long and crazy night last night. I started out on my way to Ruff Club to pick up the Wire Season 4 that Antwan burned for me. I ran into Ama on the train and she told me she was going to Trash. I said I would be there later. Then I got a call from my ex, Zoe, saying that she was at Trash and bored. So I went with Ama to Trash VIA Billy’s car who picked us up from the JMZ stop. When I got to Trash Zoe asked me for drink tickets so I gave her mine and then she left 10 minutes later without saying goodbye (although she did text). This was annoying. Around two I wanted to go to get the Wire so I made my way down to Ruff. I ran into Antwan first thing and he gave me the discs. I took about 10 photos and realized it was way to fucking hot to be at Ruff. I decided I would leave but then I ran into Marika and she was going to Lit for the Klaxon’s after party. I went with her and when I got there there were a lot of people I didn’t know and a lot of cute girls including this girl Jenny I had a crush on two weeks ago. I got my camera out to take pictures and Jenny refused to let me take a photo of her despite how hot she looked in some crazy dress. So I just put my camera away. I went downstairs and there was Zoe. We went outside and sat on a bench and talked and then this girl came up and sat in my lap and it was sort of uncomfortable and then Zoe went inside and I started walking to the L train to go home, but I decided to stop off at Trash one more time. I am glad I did because I ran into Emily and took a Polaroid of her for my book in progress and convinced her and he friends to go to the Lewd late night at the Skinny. When I got there Chase asked me to take a photo of him and Zoe (different Zoe). I told him I was done for the night unless someone wanted to get topless, and Emily’s friend AnNa volunteered. I had already taken my flash off my camera for the night and didn’t really feel like putting it on, so we shot these photos in about 5 minutes in the Skinny bathroom at 5:30 in the morning. They don’t look as good as my normal work because of the on camera flash. So yeah, be warned. That was a long and amazing blog. Did I mention I took topless Polaroids of 8 girls last night? I guess you will just have to read the next blog for that. Any who, Meet AnNa. She is from Baltimore and “used to be a club kid”. She is over that now, but still likes the shoes. I consciously did not get any of her dumb rave/goth 8″ platform shoes in the photos. Sorry.

In 2001 I found a bunch of photos of these rednecks trying to be thugs on a message board.  I took the photos and made this fake website for them.  My site blew up and a number of people made other sites like mine and no one really knew who was first.  I think I was, and I had a few hundred thousand people looked at the page.  I think there was one site more popular than mine but they had the icyhotstuntaz.com URL, which is down now.  I highly regret not registering that when I could have.  I was asked to do an interview with Found Magazine which I turned down for some dumb reason.  Anyway, I just sort of remembered about this so I decided to put it up again.  Check it out.